A Glimpse

Today I realized how important this year-long stay will be.

I was sitting in one of my English teacher discussions. Everyday all the English teachers gather together and talk about well, whatever really. I listen for incorrect English, write it down, then go over it at the end of the session.

Today we were talking about stress. One of my co-teachers was describing how stressed she felt living in England for a month, owed mostly to her unfamiliarity of the culture and her general feelings of alienation. She then asked me whether I felt stressed living here, commenting that I looked stressed when I first got here.

I kind of gave a vague answer because, honestly, when it comes to stress, or any feeling for that matter, it's hard for me to decide what level I'm at (or maybe what level I should be at).

Which then brought me to a broad realization about myself: I am a stressed person. As an introvert I tend to keep my feelings hidden (even from myself), but in that moment it was clear as day: I'm stressed practically all the time now. I suppose it's owed to the fact that I'm in a strange-ass country where nothing is familiar. But I feel like, no, I've been stressed even before this. I've been one giant stress-ball for quite a while.

The last two years have sucked, majorly. I can acknowledge this without too much trouble. Some happy things have come and gone, but, that's just the thing, they're gone. And maybe that's why I'm stressed, I'm worried that things won't get better and that I'll always feel this way.

To get back on point, what I'm trying to say is my trip here in Korea is going to be life-changing important. Being in this country, by myself, with no support from the people I care about or the environment I'm familiar with, this place, this situation, it's an opportunity for me to grow. I know on some fundamental level that, when I fly back to the USA in August 2010, I will a different person. Not in the sense of personality or character, but different in the sense that I'll be more aware. I'll be more aware of what it takes to be happy, what it means to take risks for yourself, what is necessary to get the most out of life. The comfort zones and false securities are nowhere to be seen.

That's basically a lot of vague bullshit but goddamn is it hard to put this into words. All I know is, once I step off the plane and drink in the Bay Area again, it will be like waking up from a long, deep sleep. The perspective will be fresh again.

An-nyeung-hi-gye-se-yo for now.